How should etiquette be between parents and children? What are family manner in islam?
Showing respect to the rights of parents is one of the most important principles of etiquette. Serving them, talking them with good words and kindness, especially when they get old, is the parents’ one of the greatest rights upon their children. Loving parents and service them is commanded in the Qur’an after worshiping Allah. Allah Almighty says:
“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor.”
“And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: “My Lord! bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.”” (al-Isra, 17: 23-24)
Ali’s – May Allah be well-pleased with him – mother, Fatima bint Asad -May Allah be well-pleased with her- served the Prophet -upon him blessings and peace- in his youth as if she were his real mother. When this pious woman died, the Messenger of Allah -upon him blessings and peace- went to her funeral, sat by her bedside, and witnessed her loyalty and service in the presence of Allah and said:
“O my mother! may Allah have mercy on you. You were my mother after my (own) mother. You would not eat but feed me, you would not wear yourself, but you would clothe me, you would feed me good foods by depriving yourself from them, and while you were doing these, you would desire only the pleasure of Allah and the life in the hereafter.”
Again, a man came to the Prophet and asked:
“Who among the people is most deserving of a fine treatment from my hand?” He said: “Your mother.” He again said: Then who (is the next one)? He said: “Again it is your mother (who deserves the best treatment from you).” He said: “Then who (is the next one)?” He (the Holy Prophet) said: “Again, it is your mother.” He (again) said: “Then who?” Thereupon he said: “Then it is your father.” (See Muslim, Birr, 2)
In other words, Allah’s Messenger -upon him blessings and peace- expresses the sacrifices done by the mother, of course, by the father as well.
“Father (as narrated by al-Tirmidhi) is the middle gate of Paradise.” (al-Tirmidhi, Birr, 3, )
The most important one among the other people’s rights is the right of parents. Obedience to parents comes next after obedience to Allah and His Messenger. Because our parents are our reason for existence and our benefactor. They are exceptional monuments of virtue that build our material and spiritual lives. A mother’s heart and enfolding arms with love are a magnificent classroom where a child is nurtured. The home is the first educational institution that shapes the child’s future. Therefore, the parents’ rights over their children are too numerous to count.
Virtuous parents are a great mercy and blessing for the children. A righteous mother is like a bosom of mercy bestowed on human beings by Divine Power, a source of happiness in the family, the light of peace and purity, and a fountain of compassion for family members. It is an exceptional and glorious manifestation of our Lord’s names “al-Rahman (The Most or Entirely Merciful)” and “al-Rahim (The Bestower of Mercy)” in the world.
The rights of the parents over their children are so great that it is very difficult, even impossible, to repay for them. The following simile draws attention to this in a hadith:
“A son does not repay what he owes his father unless he buys him (the father) in case he is a slave and then emancipates him.” (Muslim, Itq, 25; Abu Dawud, Adab, 119-120; al-Tirmidhi, Birr, 8/1906)
For this reason, if any good and kindness is to be done for the sake of Allah, it is necessary to think about the parents first. Then other people from the closest to the farthest… The following is stated in a verse:
“…Whatever you spend that is good, is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And whatever you do that is good, -Allah knows it well.” (al-Baqara, 2: 215)
In the subject of raising children with good manners, we can summarize the main issues that parents should pay particular attention to as follows:
- a) A good name should be given to the child that will spirituality inspire the child. The first of the rights of the child over the parents is that they give him/her a “beautiful name”.
- b) Attention should be paid to the “halal”ness of the morsels that are fed to the children in order for the children to grow up in a favorable environment.
- c) Children’s behavior should always be “controlled” without making them feel it.
- e) Good deeds of children should be “appreciated” and rewarded, and their mistakes should not be ignored.
Because positive behaviors are reinforced with rewards and make a permanent place in the personality of the child.
- f) The child should not be forced to be insolent by frequent punishment.
- g) While teaching orders, prohibitions and rules, they should be persuaded by explaining their reasons “in a way that they can understand”.
- h) Good manners (modes of behavior) and “ethical principles” should be taught, especially wealthy families should prevent their children from being rude and arrogant to their peers. Because such behaviors become habits over time. They should always be inculcated with modesty and humility.
ı) Children should be reminded of Allah’s blessings and should be accustomed to “praise and gratitude. By giving examples from the life of our Prophet -upon him blessings and peace-, efforts should be made to shape the children’s inner worlds in a spiritual climate.
- j) At a young age, he should be “accustomed to worship and service”, and the responsibility of worship and the importance of service should be inculcated to them.
In short, if we want our child to be perfect, we must strive to be perfect parents.
No other being has been created that can share the love and respect shown to our mothers, who carry us first in their wombs, then in their arms, and in their hearts until they die. Mothers, who take upon the responsibility of housewifery and child upbringing on their shoulders, are worthy of deep affection, deep respect and a lifetime of gratitude.
Is there a measure that can determine the limits of the immense compassion that accumulates in a mother’s soul? They feed us but do not eat themselves, dress us but forget their own clothes, or help us sleep, but deprive themselves from sleeping… Is it possible to pay the rights of the mothers and fathers who give their entire existence so that no dust would touch upon us in the storms of life? How beautifully Mawlana Rumi expresses:
“Watch out for your mother’s right! Crown him on your head! For, if mothers had not gone into labor, children would not have found a way to be born.”
Source; ISLAMIC ETIQUETTE, Faruk KANGER – Lokman HELVACI, Erkam Publications